Monday, August 18, 2008

The New Manual (Automatic) Transmission –
Convenience or CASTRATION?

In a city where standing water breeds not mosquitoes, but babes famous-for-being-famous, things aren’t always what you’d expect. For instance, you would expect a Porsche 911 cruising the Sunset Strip to be a “stick.” You’d also expect manual transmissions on the Lamborghini Gallardo, Aston Martin Vantage or Ferrari F430. Not so! – most of these cars are not manual transmission anymore, but rather a very sophisticated automatic disguising itself as a manual transmission. That means even the biggest posers won’t find themselves shamefully grinding the gears as they pull away from Sky Bar. And that’s good news for those scenesters, but for the clutch-driving purists, these paddle-shifting transmissions are complete automotive castration.

Sure, these clever paddle-shifting transmissions boast fast shift times, which means the quickest 0-60 time possible for the car, and even more impressive when used in conjunction with Launch Control (your Pap has previously discussed this). But there’s much more to the enjoyment of a car than attaining the fastest shift time. Perhaps your Pap’s biggest beef about these paddle-shifting transmissions is (on some cars) removal of the shifter entirely, resulting in the aforementioned castration…all in the name of convenience – convenience in L.A. gridlock; convenience when driving and talking on the cell phone or while eating and drinking. In its wake is a crater, a cavity that no doubt former waitresses who’ve married wealthy men are now using to hold make-up brushes.

What an absolute travesty! Your Pap wants to know: what the hell are the Fans doing in these performance cars during the weekday commute. We hope that if you own an Aston Martin or Porsche, you have the resources to keep a proper commuter car and the requisite driver for this tedious commute that you can’t handle!

Below are photos that may shock you and may revile you, but the Fans must see the situation that has arisen. It is very real, and it is very upsetting. You have been warned!

First – you see a beautiful Aston Martin hand-hewn interior of luxurious leather and fine stitching. Before long, you notice the shifter is missing. In it’s place a bento box-type compartment to hold knick knacks and such; perhaps nicorette gum or the forgotten Motorola Razr phone.

In the next photo…a Ferrari F430. You see another example of aesthetic-terrorism. The manual transmission shifter long associated with a sports car has been removed. In its place, another cavity and a couple of buttons. Of particular note, a button that brazenly announces “Auto.” We are now starting to see a pattern, a signature unique to the perpetrator of these beautiful, pedigreed automobiles.

In the third picture…a Maserati Quattroporte (a family sedan). We would expect such a vehicle to have automatic transmission. But no, Maserati thinks this car is more than it really is. Instead, the traditional automatic shifter has been removed, and a paddle-shifting pseudo-manual transmission has taken its place. To add insult to injury, Maserati has installed a coat-hook type device in its place. Are we to grab hold of this during fast turns? What is the proper etiquette?…does the driver get to hold on to this nub or does the passenger grab hold during said fast turns? Or has your Pap been totally wrong…the handle actually marks a resting spot for your hat!

Your Pap apologizes if these pics have caused the Fans distress, but you must know the state of our automotive nation!

A final word: pleeze avoid these castrating paddle-shifting transmissions where at all possible. Because men, if you get a sports car with the paddle-shifters and then suddenly develop a need to own a Ford F-250 King Ranch or a Hummer H1, don’t come to your Pap for help!

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