Fat Broad on Platforms

Your Pap had to sit his-self down on the leather Chesterfield and hollar for the domestic to pour him a stiff one when he saw the new BMW X6. Once a great fan of BMWs, your Pap has, since the early millenium, become disinterested in the Roundel. Why? Because in the last six years, the company has been turning out one hideous looking alien ship after another (with the exception of the 335i/xi coupe).

The X6 is another case in point. BMW misses the mark with this one the same way many BMWs today miss the mark. The sum of it’s parts, as intriguing as they may be, do not as a whole make this a viable car. Yes, the roofline is intruiging with it’s severe slant; the performance and handling is rumored to be pretty good; and the technological wizardry is definitely in place. But put together, it begs the question, “why?”

Just look at this thing. It’s hunchback profile and oddly elevated stance make it look like a fat broad on platforms. Your Pap has not been won over by the BMW press release bull crap about how the car drives like a BMW, handles like a BMW, and how as a sport-utility vehicle is superior to others on the road. More importantly, the X6 looks bad and screams uselessness. You Santa Monica moms with your postpartum bellies and your good handbags won’t be able to “clean-up” at the Barney’s Warehouse Sale ‘cause guess what, the cargo capacity is about half the X5.
Undoubtedly some BMW badge whore will suck this up and tell everyone she’s driving a Bimmer or a “B-M”, depending on which side of the 710 freeway she lives. If the X6 must be had at all, then this one’s for the suburbs. And do your Pap a favor…please keep it there!

Your Pap’s List of X6 Absurdities:

• fat & heavy
• seats only 4
• low roofline means no beehive hairdos
• little more than ½ the cargo capacity of an X5
• econo hatchback-on-stilts styling
• makes the X3 look good
• over-engineered in order to make a fat lady dance
• $60-80k
• another BMW built in South Carolina
• badge whores will drive this, only to be directed to staff parking at the Bel Air Hotel