Friday, July 25, 2008

The PRIUS *spit*
a Most Inappropriate Car for L.A.

Over at the L.A. Car Couture, we’re not gonna let $5/gal. turn us into silly, alarmist tree-huggers. We will not be getting into the automative equilvalent of the fetal position and there will be no driving of Pruises along the windy Boulevard de Sunset from The Strip to the Pacific Ocean.

Your Pap believes the environmental and celebrity-hyped Prius thing is a total B.S. and has got a few things to say about this Prius situation.

First – why would your Pap rather contract a venereal disease than tool around in a Prius? Because you have to give up too much for too little (if you enjoy driving; every trip is an adventure) and for a car enthusiast, the Prius is automotive lobotomy. Start the car, and you hear no engine. Step on the pedal, and you feel no torque. Look at the dash and you see nothing but a completely digitized panel. Turn the wheel and it handles like a scooter. Step back and look at it and you see a damn aardvark! This car does not drive well; does not ride well; and does not look well. This is the perfect car for a eunuch monk and we ain’t having it L.A.!

As for being the environmentally correct thing to do…well, your Pap and everyone in all the right zip codes are not driving hundreds of thousands of miles a year to make that big of an environmental footprint. But if you insist, then fine, get a Prius and it can be the car of your house staff or personal assistants. And if you wanna make a statement; if you wanna pander to the masses, the Prius would be very appropriate parked right up in the porte-cochere of your estate.

Some celebrities obviously realize that owning a Prius is a great way to pander to their fans. It’s why they’ll drive the Prius when they know the paparazzi are gonna be there. But seriously, do think most of Ocean’s Thirteen are tooling around in these things…no! They’re being driven in limos and Escalades and they employ an entourage of security and staff following along in gas-guzzling Tahoes or Denalis. And for you wannabes that think you’re Cameron Diaz in your Prius, well you're not! – you look like an idiot. Now, Cameron Diaz looks hot in a Prius, because she’s Cameron Diaz, and she’s A-list. And she’s A-list in a AMC Pacer; she’s A-list in Chevy Vega; and she’s A-list in a Ford Tempo. But you aren’t!

So don’t buy into this Prius thing – if you do, well then your Pap’s got a Cadillac Cimmaron to sell you!

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