Audi does Christmas

Audi’s new ad campaign tag line is “Truth in Engineering?” So let’s get the truth on Audi’s new headlight styling on several of their models – the R8, A6 and A4.

It looks like Audi designers went right over to The Home Depot in Ingolstadt, Bavaria and picked themselves up some LED rope lights and retro-fitted them onto the faces of their A4, A6 and R8.

Your Pap likes LED lights when done right, but on these Audis, they’re downright cheezy! Unfortunately the flagship R8 wasn’t spared either. Now there’s a time and place for rope lights - like as Christmas lawn decoration in a Palmdale tract development, but pleeze, not on a German performance car. We know you wanna out-do BMW’s “halo ring” headlights, but for your Pap, those rope lights seem to mimic the same sporty character as Pontiacs from the 1980s. We hope Audi pulls the plug on those ridiculous lights soon.

Great Cars for Every Age

Your Pap has received a few emails from readers regarding the exceedingly expensive cars discussed on this blog, with accusations like, “You dismiss lower-priced cars like none of them are any good.” Another email reads: “Give me a break…how can I possibly drive a $150,000 Aston Martin…I’m only 23…it wouldn’t even be believable.”

Apparently, $150k+ cars are not within the reach of some of the Fans out there. Okay. Your Pap is not blind to the reality that everyone has to start somewhere. Agreed! – but there IS a fabulous car for every age bracket that is L.A. Car Couture-approved. Whether it’s your first car at 18 or your last car before the DMV snatches away your Lexus-driving privileges when you turn 80, here are your Pap’s suggestions for Great Cars for Every Age:

Late Teens/First Car: Nothing too exciting for our new drivers. Your Pap’s suggestions emphasize the safety of four-wheel drive and crash protection. The more responsible females might take a look at the roadsters mentioned below. These four cars are easily replaceable should a late night-sorority jaunt result in skinny-dipping and a car drowning in the Pacific Ocean. One quick phone call to your trust-administrator and a replacement will be parked in front of the college dorm-room before you can admit to gurls gone wild.

Mercedes E550 4-Matic; Mercedes SLK ; Audi TT Quattro Roadster; BMW 535xi Wagon

20s: Your Pap knows you’re faking it ‘til you make it. So here is a good variety of cars that exemplify good execution, price sensitivity and some some semblance of substance. These are good kid-toys and should grab the attention of South Bay beach bunnies or volleyball studs. Readily available finds on eBay.

Porsche Cayman; Mercedes ML550; BMW M3; Porsche Boxster

30s: You’re just starting to make some coin and with any luck, your first house is also in all the right zip codes. No one will know you just refinanced your pied-a-terre to get one of these rides. But at least in one of these cars, your neighbors aren't as likely to assume you’re renting. With any luck, you still have that baby-face, so no one can mistaken any of these car choices as a mid-life crisis.

Audi R8; Aston Martin Vantage; Range Rover Sport; Porsche Carrera Cabriolet

40s: With any luck, that trust-fund has fully vested and is irrevocable, because you’re no kid anymore and the women want the men for only one reason! It’s amazing how a girthier waist, less hair and a botoxed forehead helps you appreciate luxury-motoring all the more! Your Pap’s following suggestions are all about giving up a little bit of out-right performance in exchange for some dee-luxe-ury.

Bentley Continental GT/GTC; Maserati Quattroporte; Ferrari California; Mercedes SL

50s: If 40 is the new 30, then 50 is the new mid-life crisis. So throw aside that AARP card and get yourself an AMG Mercedes or something that resembles performance and money. Lahwd, it’s been a long ride – the dee-vorce, the children, the sex scandal…you deserve some frivolous excess.

Mercedes S-Class; Ferrari F430; Maserati Gran Turismo; Mercedes CL

Beyond: Maybe you shouldn’t be driving although legally you’re allowed. Your Pap’s suggestions here are based on ease of ingress and egress. Also, these cars boast a good amount of assisted-living features like automated everything with plenty of bright warning indicators, chimes and what-not. In any of these cars, it wouldn’t be inappropriate to have a knob on the steering wheel or a lazy-susan seat cushion to “turn” yourself sideways to get out. Go head, indulge…you can’t take it with you!

Bentley Brooklands; BMW 7-series; Cadillac DTS; Lexus LS

Best Resale Values

For some, a car that makes a “Best Resale Value” list might be reason enough to sign on the dotted line. But over at the L.A. Car Couture, any car that makes such a list is likely one that your Pap would rather you not own, drive or be seen riding in. Case in point, take the 11 cars that ForbesAuto recently named as their “Top Ten Vehicles with Highest Resale Value.” Of the 11 vehicles (there was a tie) your Pap can safely say, just one is borderline acceptable, the Audi S5.

The residual values on Forbes’ list are based on three year old cars. First of all, your Pap would loathe to see the Fans keep a car for three whole years. To keep it fresh, 1-2 years is best. While your Pap can’t tell you what car to drive, the Forbes List is as good as your Pap’s own list of what NOT to drive. So here are Forbes’ top resale cars, a.k.a. Cars Your Pap Suggests You Avoid:

Percentage of Original Value after 3 years
1. 62.7% Mini Cooper
2. 60.6% Infinti G37
3. 59.6% BMW 1 series
4. 59.0% Jeep Wrangler 4x4
5. 58.8% VW R32
6. 57.9% Honda CR-V
7. 57.8% Scion XB
8. 56.8% Honda Civic Hybrid
9. 56.4% Nissan Rogue
10. 56.4% VW Beetle Convertible (Tie)
10. 56.4% Audi S5 (Tie)

Why avoid? Because these are cars of the populus, on roads and parking lots everywhere in multiples. They lack imagination and are certain to attract the attention of no one but the Bel Air Patrol on your winding drive home up Nimes Road. Rather than any of the above 11 comatose vehicles, your Pap suggests the following swap-outs:

Instead of a…

Mini Cooper, try a Lotus Exige S.
Infiniti G37, why not the Maserati Gran Turismo S.
BMW 1-series, how about the Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano
Jeep Wrangler, take the Mercedes G55.
Volkswagon R32, you’re better off in an Aston Martin Vantage.
Honda CR-V, wouldn’t a Range Rover Sport be more appropriate.
Scion XB, consider a Cadillac Escalade ESV.
Honda Civic Hybrid, the Rolls Royce Phantom is perfect for you!
Nissan Rogue, how about rolling in a Mercedes S63.
Volkswagon Beetle Convertible, the Ferrari California is just as fun!
Instead of an Audi S5, consider a Bentley Continental GT.

A Man. A Plane. An Overpriced Oil Change

Well, the automotive gossip journalists are all atwitter over a recent Lamborghini oil change involving a man, a plane, a foreign country and a cost of nearly $50,000 for a service that should have been less than $7,000.

A week or so ago, an Arab Sheik flew his Lamborghini Murcielago (the Fans may recognize this car as the Batmobile au natural) from Qatar to London for an oil change. Now all the earth-children are peeved about this because of the environmental footprint of a 6,500 mile flight. London mechanics could have been flown out to Qatar to service the vehicle instead, they say.

Yeah, right! Your Pap says not a chance. What mechanic would consent to being shipped over to the dusty region of Qatar in the Middle East to service a sheik’s car. It’s got potential beheading written all over it. “Me don’t like how you service car you filthy Brit. Now we have your head and rape your wife.”

So with all heads intact and no chance of a movie-of-the-week to come out of this, your Pap would say it was disaster averted. The tree-hugging children love to cry foul over anything they themselves don’t do. Your Pap knows a few of these ladies with their crocodile bags and year-round heated swimming pools (but they drive a Prius). Fans…we’ve heard enough from these women in their McMansions who don’t experience orgasms. So pleeze, leave the sheik be!

Fractional Ownership, Whole Image

In a city where your car practically arrives before you, and where your car is often remembered long after you are forgotten, you had better plan your arrival accordingly. It’s really no different than wearing the appropriate red-carpet fashion or being camera ready for lurking paparazzi on Robertson. You must accessorize with the right car.

Now your Pap understands that not all the Fans have wallets as fat as The Donald's. We also know everyone needs a second car; and every couple needs a third. So how are the Fans going to make room for a second, third or fourth car that is both exotic yet affordable for those several important appearances a year?

Impossible you say; “time-share car” your Pap says! …otherwise known as fractional ownership. It’s like a time-share home or country club for cars. Why buy the entire car when 1) you can’t afford it, and 2) you're going to drive it only once every several weeks. Then there’s the insurance, maintenance and storage costs. With fractional ownership, it’s like a country club in that there’s a buy-in amount plus monthly dues; and it’s like a time-share home in that you get a block of weeks to use the car (insurance included and no maintenance).

Take the Bentley Continental GT for example: With the buy-in amount plus monthly dues, it will cost you in the $20k – 30k range per year, and you get to drive it for 60 days total. To drive it for only 30 days a year, it’ll cost you about $6k less for the year. That’s for the Bentley Continental GT, a relatively inexpensive car for an exotic. For a Rolls Royce Phantom or Ferrari convertible, you’re looking at about $35k – $40k per year.

That’s not a high price to pay for some image enhancement. After all, you don’t want to attend a charity event only to look like you’re going to be the beneficiary of the charity for god’s sake! And you certainly don’t need to be showing up at your Malibu summer share with the only black sedan in the group…only a convertible Bentley or Ferrari will do! So Fans, go quickly and click on the links your Pap has supplied you. The summer is wasting away and you’re still stuck in the damn S-Class…for the entire weekend!

LINKS:

Range Rover, Errand-Runner

There are errands that call for the house assistant to run in the Prius and then there are errands we simply prefer to do ourselves. So for weekday gossip lunches and shopping for the perfect fall footwear at Christian Louboutin, your Pap’s adventures in car-stalking has come upon the perennially desirable Range Rover – the preferred errand-runner for a few Hollywood gurls.

Celebrity Range Rover Roll Call: Ms. Cox, Ms. Berry, Ms. Heigl, Ms. Anderson, Ms. Aniston, Ms. Walsh, Ms. Kardashian, Ms. Hilton…all here!
So what’s the appeal of this lumbering gas guzzler? It’s a nice looking vehicle for what it is, and in L.A., looking good is half the battle isn’t it? Then there’s the utility factor…it does hold a full day of shoe-shopping for the ladies. And for your Pap, it would be a great vehicle to take out to Los Olivos to check on the vineyards and for shuttling cases of reserve wine back to the Hills of Hollywood.

In its own way, the Range Rover exudes sex appeal and tank-like intimidation. Inside, utility mixes favorably with British coachwork – there’s the requisite wood and aromatic leather, along with tactile buttons and utilitarian switches. Think of it as a luxurious industrial-style loft with exposed bolts and ductwork. Thankfully, the Range Rover does have awesome off-road capabilities so it’s not all look. The Range Rover is both gentleman and rogue, and mostly hated by environmentalists. But in L.A., environmental consciousness is outnumbered by “need” for such a vehicle. And are we really driving the Range Rover that much?…Fans, you should not have this if it’s your only vehicle. To do it right, it should be your third.

Although not your Pap’s first, second or third choice for a vehicle, the staying power of the Range Rover is certainly something to marvel, having reinvented itself a few years back by adding a second, more affordable, slightly smaller and sportier-looking spin-off called the Range Rover Sport. There’s now two Range Rover models – staring at $60k for the Range Rover Sport and $80k for the Range Rover.

As a default errand-vehicle of the rich and a coveted object of the L.A. masses, the big little Range Rover has bulldozed it’s way into gated circular drives of Beverly Park mansions and tiny apartment carports alike. Is that a good thing? What do the Fans think?

Launch Control - the little button with the BIG Mojo

Electronic driving aids have found their way from $200k cars down to $20k cars. In fact, nearly every car has some form of electronic driving aid, and there are a bunch of acronyms like VSC, DSC, ABS, ABC, PSM, ESP, ETC, ASC, and on and on. These electronic drivings aids do things like prevent our cars from skidding into next week during a panic stop, or from fishtailing into the median when turning too fast. Most electronic driving aids are designed to prevent accidents rather than outright enhance performance. Launch Control however, is all indulgence, enabling you to accelerate ridiculously fast off a light.

So who’s getting Launch Control? L.A. dahlings in Range Rovers; real-estate agents in Mercedes E-Classes; and accountants in Lexus SC-460s…you’re NOT getting Launch Control. It’s the balding venture capitalist in his Mercedes SL63; the night-club promoter in his Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4; the house flipper in his M3; or the wildly successfully car-wash owner in his Nissan GTR that’s gonna have the pleasure of this hot little button. There are other cars out there, but these few should give the Fans an idea of what type of cars will be getting Launch Control…generally cars with racing aspirations. No not the Pontiac Solstice, damn it!

So what's Launch Control? To your Pap, it's a very exciting, “tangible” electronic driving aid that enhances performance and delivers excitement at every light! Trickling down from Formula 1 racing, as many of these aids do, Launch Control enables a very powerful car to accelerate with blistering speed and immediacy that would be very hard to accomplish without Launch Control.

Pasadena moms won’t have a problem when they stomp on the accelerator in the family Camry – it’ll go without any theatrics like wheel spin, smoke and burning rubber. But for seriously powerful cars, stomping on the gas pedal will send the tires into a crazy spin. Or, the traction control will intervene and the race is over…the next thing you know, the nun in the Toyota Avalon is a whole block ahead.

With Launch Control, the light turns green and you’re a bullet out of a gun barrel. Launch Control seamlessly modulates the transmission, power and wheel spin – no drama, just instantaneous propulsion! It certainly is some consolation for having to stop at a damn red light…you’ll be ahead of the pack within seconds, and you won’t burn out your tires.



Now the lady-Fans out there will probably have no interest in this type of over-the-top performance enhancement, but gurls, you need to know about this nonetheless. Because if Vinny from The Valley takes you out in his base Carrera with the big wheels and the dark tint, you check for that Launch Control button before you get too serious…or maybe you prefer to lead your life in The Valley!

FOLLOW UP: Launch Control goes by different names in different cars. Mercedes (Race Start); Porsche (Launch Assistant); Nissan GTR (Launch Control); Lamborghini (Thrust Mode…now light yourself a cigarette!)