L.A. Car Couture

The Nissan GT-R – Athlete or Axe Murderer?

2008-09-12T15:11:00.000-07:00

If you’ve never seen nor heard of the Nissan GT-R, then you’re probably living in a type of bubble that boasts several guest houses; tennis court; indoor and outdoor lap pools; home theater and nightclub for 200. And your Pap says Good For You, Stay That Way!

For the rest of us, we’ve had the displeasure of seeing these cars on streets like Roscoe, Burbank, 196th, Hoover and on and on. And you can’t get away from it because it’s more powerful than you – it’s Godzilla and it’s pure brute force. Other sports cars make associations with a race horse, a shark or an agile cat – all lithe animals with precision movement. But not the GT-R, it’s adopted the persona of the Japanese monster Godzilla. It mindlessly and aimlessly tears down buildings and turns cars into pancakes. Yeah, it’s powerful, but for what?...what need was filled that was not previously by say, an Italian exotic? Yes, in the $70k range, it’s a fraction of the cost for cars we’re used to seeing around L.A., but is it really necessary to give that much power to the masses? – “with great power comes responsibility.” Give the Porsche 911 Turbo that much power and it’s an athlete; give it to the GT-R and it’s an axe murderer.

Currently, the GT-R does 0-60 in 3.2 seconds! And they’re making an even faster version next year called the GT-R V Spec. For now, performance is in the upper end of exotic car territory. But unlike your Ferrari, your Porsche Turbo or your Lamborghini…well, actually your Pap just said it all. The GT-R is simply unlike those cars. Nobody within a 5-carat stone’s throw of Sunset Boulevard recognizes this car because quite simply, it looks like a $25k Mitsubishi, $249/mo. with your good credit. The car looks like it’s been kicked around a few times by the large foot of an upright lizard, which is where the car seems to get some of its severe creases and tumultuous angles. It doesn’t look terrible (it’s not like BMW designers got their hands on it) but it does have a certain childish, remote control car type styling.

You certainly can boast of the performance, maybe tolerate the spine-compacting suspension and even overlook the cheap interior, but in better parts of L.A., the folks you share the road with aren’t so open-minded. Nissan execs think they can entice you to buy their GT-R rather than a 911 Turbo since it costs half as much and performs “better.” But we’ve seen mark-ups on the GT-R pushing the price to over $125k. And then we put down the puff-puff and looked again…and our bloodshot eyes did not lie, it was in fact $125,000 after the dealer mark-up. At a minimum, six-figures can be the expected market-price of the GT-R.

Six damn figures for a Nissan! No doubt valets and car-wash attendants will appreciate this car. And the prospect of having the car serviced alongside a Nissan Sentra and being offered free Folgers coffee at the service bay does sweeten the pot. Pleeze! There’s a market for this car, but it’s not going to lure 911 Turbo drivers away from Porsche, and you’ll rarely see them in Beverly Hills. And if you do…Pssss – they were bussed in.

That's HOT!...that hybrith

2008-09-03T10:35:00.001-07:00

The Germans Made it Better

2008-09-01T01:52:00.000-07:00

In L.A., we sure love our German cars. BMWs, Porsches and Mercedes are par for the course. We know some of the Fans might be new to the German marques and might be tempted to brag about some of the great technology they didn’t have in their Civic and what not, but let your Pap help you get your ego in check before you embarrass yourself and are asked to get to the back of the line at The Hometown Buffet. Some of the wonderful technology in Mercedes, BMWs and Porsches are indeed wonderful, but they were not necessarily the first to adopt such technologies. The following automotive technologies first debuted on American cars, failed and was later brought back and popularized by the Germans.

AIRBAGS
Before the 1986 Mercedes S-Class debuted as the first car with standard airbags, it was 1974 when GM first introduced their “Air Cushion Restraint System.” These early airbags were offered as an option on Buicks, Cadillacs and Oldsmobiles, with the ’74 Oldsmobile Toronado as the very first production car to have “airbags.” Problems arose when airbags were thought of as an alternative to using seat belts. Airbags in fact did not provide the same protection from head-on accidents as seat belts, and after several deaths these primitive airbags, they were discontinued. The airbag was resurrected in the early 80s by the almighty Mercedes, this time not as replacement for seat belts, but as a supplemental restraint system (SRS, an acronym that appears in all cars today).

BEFORE THERE WAS iDRIVE
In 2002, the BMW 7-series debut iDrive, which is essentially the relocation of many car functions such as climate control, radio and more into an LCD screen controlled by software, and thereby eliminating the vast number of buttons typically crowding the console and dash. But it was in 1986 when we first saw this type of button-eliminating, screen-menu access device on the Buick Riviera. It was called the Electronic Control Center (ECC), which featured a touch screen computer interface to control radio, climate control and provided diagnostic access to the vehicle. It also featured a date reminder and trip computer…much like what iDrive does today! By today’s standards, the screen on a microwave looks better and that annoying beep each time you pressed a button would drive your Pap insane. Although it only lasted two years on the Buick, it was the start of something different. Today, Audi has their MMI and Mercedes has their COMAND but dare we say it was all thanks to the Buick ECC?

ACTIVE HEADLIGHTS
As far back as the early 50s, an automatic headlamp option called the Autronic Eye was available on certain GM cars. A periscope-like sensor sitting atop the dashboard sensed surrounding light conditions and from oncoming traffic. It would adjust between high and low beams according to those conditions. The problem was an erratic flickering between high and low beams from the slightest change in light, such as from street lamps. By the late 50s, the name Autronic Eye was dropped, but the system was tweaked and reintroduced as Guidematic Headlamps – a self-dimming headlamp system that had addition of a driver-adjustable sensitivity switch. Unfortunately, lingering memories of the Autronic Eye made buyers shy away from the Guidematic Headlamps and so they were never popular. By the mid-60s, Guidematic was discontinued from all GM brands except Cadillac, which offered the option until the late 80s.

Today, certain Mercedes come with the Intelligent Light System, which boasts a feature that brightens the headlights at highway speeds; illuminates a wider area on dark country roads and turns the headlights in the direction of the steering wheel to illuminate curves. BMW has High Beam Assistant and Adaptive Headlights which does the same. High Beam Assistant automatically switches from low to high beams when the road is dark and back to low beam when oncoming traffic approaches. Adaptive Headlights turn the headlights in the direction of the steering wheel to illuminate curves. Yes, all done seamlessly and without an erratic flickering or a silly-looking periscope sensor.

ACTIVE SUSPENSION
Back in the mid 80s, Nissan (okay, not American, but follow along anyway) introduced an active suspension on certain Nissan and Infiniti cars. Called Sonar Suspension, a sensor “read” the road surface and adjusted the shock dampening accordingly. The system also allowed for two driver-selectable settings – a soft or firm ride at the touch of a button. Available until 1992, Nissan’s system was not well-received, as neither of the two available settings were appropriate. In “comfort” mode, the car was too springy; in “sport” mode, it was too jittery, and there was no middle setting.

Today, Porsche has PASM and Mercedes has Airmatic, both received with high acclaim since their introduction several years ago. A Porsche with PASM dailed on comfort mode actually gives the car a more relaxed ride, with the ability to instantaneously self-engage into sport mode and stiffen up should sensors detect a sudden aggressive maneuver or turn. Alternatively, the driver can manually select “sport” mode, and the car is immediately transformed into a track-ready sports car. The active suspension on certain Mercedes cars is called Airmatic, which in addition to variable shock dampening, also maintains vehicle height depending on load, and slightly lowers the car at high speeds for improved aerodynamics and handling. And in typical Mercedes fashion, Airmatic ingeniously manages to iron out road imperfections while maintaining road feel. And while Airmatic doesn’t sound any less hokey than Sonar Suspension, at least it does the job right.

Treats for Your House Guest

2008-08-29T00:16:00.000-07:00

As the holiday weekend approaches, are you ready for your out-of-town guests? Both guest houses are ready; you’ve got prime dinner reservations each evening and you’re ready for some late-night pop-star debauchery at The Kress. So what’s left?...at the L.A. Car Couture, we suggest more than just mints on the bed. We want our guests to have use of a “couture-car” and we’d rather not have them get into our own garage, just like we’d rather not have them get into our wine cellar. So here’s a recommendation from your Pap…rent them a set of wheels for the weekend. Yes we know in the evening you’ll most definitely have car service but while you’re nursing your hangover by the pool, your guests can motor on over to your house in the Bu for a little day-trip and some much needed negative ions.

It’ll cost you a little bit of money but believe your Pap, it’ll save you in the end when Laurie from Lancaster rear ends them in her Nissan 350Z with bad bodywork and good wheels.

If you wanna keep it simple and low key, how about a Porsche 911 for about $600/day. Your guest may not want too much attention and a 911 will ensure they’ll stay invisible. And with great handling, it’ll get them through windy Sunset Bl. safely as they make their way down to the Pacific Ocean.

Do your guests want some flashy fun? Are they ready for their paparazzi-moment in L.A.? Get them a Ferrari F430 convertible. At around $3,000/day, this is when you remember the great time they showed you in New York a couple months ago. Don’t forget that dinner at The Waverly Inn, and we hope you did get that coveted reservation phone number so you can return another Saturday evening without having to deal with that dreaded cattle of new-money.

Didn’t get that reservation number? Then an Aston Martin Vantage Roadster will do just fine…$2,000/day, and stay away from the Cristal pleeze!

It wasn’t a threat; they actually traveled with their children? Pray the domestic was brought along. In this case, the Maserati Quattroporte is perfect to carry the herd. Just $700/day and the trunk will hold the damn stroller. It even comes in an automatic.

So here you go. For glamour, for survival or for return of a favor – these are the cars for your out-of-town guests. Now hurry; click the links below and get your assistant on the phone before they run out!

The Hypocrisy of Hybrids

2008-08-28T01:39:00.000-07:00

The Fans know good and well that your Pap is not taken by hybrid vehicles. In every high-end L.A. neighborhood, we see these hideous things being driven with self-righteous indignance and reflex-dumbing cell phone use. In an effort to look “green,” these individuals will often drive a hybrid, sacrificing style and luxury for what they believe will earn them social approval. But don’t you be fooled! Your Pap has the skinny on these wolves in sheep's clothing.

In L.A., where “faking-it-til-you-make-it” is as common as another day of hazy sunshine, who do you think are driving the $100k+ Mercedes CL, the Bentley Continental GTs and the like? Your Pap has seen many of these hyper-expensive luxury or entry-level exotics crammed into tight little Brentwood-adjacent carports or Santa Monica micro-condos south of Montana Avenue. These flashy cars often come to mind as your typical gas guzzlers, with their mps in the low teens. But before we give these “fake-it-til-you-make-it” babes any heat about their seeming environmental vendetta, let’s look at the situation closer. Their overall environmental footprint is actually quite small. Most of these people with the luxo-exotic cars are on a mileage restriction lease of 7,500 to 10,000 miles a year. They’re also living in sub-2,000 sq.ft. 2+2 rentals, condos or small houses with little amenities. And you can bet they do everything they can to cut back at home, like dimming lights, minimizing a/c usage and the like. These are the same people who would never drive something like a Toyota Prius because it would erode their affulence disguise.

Now take the hybrid-driver. What better disguise is there than a Prius for the moneyed living in sprawling Bel Air estates and Beverly Hills compounds. In households of 2-3 cars per person, you can bet a Prius conspiracy is afoot! With $200k+ exotic gas guzzlers tucked away in tastefully appointed and humidity-controlled garages, the Prius makes its appearance when the occasion calls for keeping up a “nice-guy” appearance like at Red Carpet events, philanthropic fundraisers and, well you get it! Meanwhile the Misses is shuttling herself and a very expensive Hermes crocodile Birkin around daily in an 8mpg English SUV or drophead coupe (we don’t need to mention the specific vehicle; you already know). So while the Prius is a different type of “keeping up appearances” its owners are leaving an environmental crater with their 10,000+ sq. ft. mansions, heated lap pools and lighted tennis courts…all for a family of 3-4. And believe your Pap, no mansion is being lit by fluorescent bulbs, thank you.

So before we attack the wannabes in their Astons and Bentleys, let’s put a magnifying glass to the Prius drivers! When you see a hybrid conspicuously parked in circular, gated driveway north of Sunset…well, you now know!

Location. Location. Location.

2008-08-27T13:32:00.001-07:00

No we’re not talking about real estate; we are talking about cars named after places. Your Pap would like to take the Fans on a walk down Memory Lane, USA. Let’s have a quick look at several American car companies who have named cars after places. We’ve always had a silly fascination for these “worldly” cars and here is just a small sampling.

From the late 70s to early 90s, Chrysler gave us the “Fifth Avenue,” named after the glitzy street in Manhattan where the Fans aspire to keep a pied-a-terre overlooking the park. From 1979-1983 The Fifth Avenue began as a trim-level package offered on the existing Chrysler New Yorker and was called the New Yorker Fifth Avenue. The package included two-tone paint with matching leather interior and landau roof (for the young Fans out there, landau is a simulated convertible look with the roof of the car wrapped in vinyl…you would know this if you didn’t grow up in a household of Mercedes!). While this type of roof treatment seems odd to us today, it signified American luxury back then. Thankfully we’re not seeing this type of thing on even the gaudiest Cadillac DTS or Mercedes S-Class today! After 1983, the Fifth Avenue branched off as it’s own model, no longer a trim level, and got a body all to its own. The Fifth Avenue lasted until 1993, being the last of Chrysler’s V8, rear wheel drive sedan, until the 2005 introduction of the gangsta Chrysler 300...hollar!

Another fascinating name to come from Chrysler was Corinthian Leather. Do you mean leather from the Greek city-state Corinth dating back to antiquity? Nope! – this was a marketing term made up by Chrysler to describe a certain soft, luxurious leather used in Chryslers in the 70s and 80s. The name first appeared in 1974 on the Chrysler Imperial and later made famous by celebrity spokesperson Ricardo Montalban (from Fantasy Island; 10 p.m., right after Love Boat…ABC). With that accent and the way he rolled those rrrrrs, you almost believed Corinthian leather was a supple, exotic hide…from that Greek island. But in fact, there is no such leather as Corinthian leather, and it’s not from Corinth – it’s made in a factory in New Jersey!

Again using Manhattan geography, going a blocks east of Fifth, is Park Avenue…the Buick Park Avenue (1975-2005). Like the Fifth Avenue, the Park Avenue started off as a luxury trim level on another car, the Buick Electra. Not until 1991 did the Park Avenue became a standalone model. The Electra/Park Avenue was a full size, near-luxury car. We’re not sure how a posh New York street complements a car named after a Greek mythological character whose name was adopted to characterize a psychological concept – the Electra Complex. But then again, we don’t understand a lot of things about American cars.

Cadillac’s Eldorado, a large 2-door luxury coupe had a long run, from 1953-2002. For so many years, the Eldorado was the epitome of style and posh motoring. It had the appeal similar to what is today’s BMW 6-series or Mercedes CL. The name comes not from any actual locale, but rather a legendary city of gold in South American folklore. The story of Eldorado is that of European explorers discovering a place of immense riches, gold and jewels. But where is it exactly no one knows…not even Cadillac. Within the Eldorado lineup was the top-of-the line Eldorado Biarritz. Biarritz is the luxurious seaside resort town in southwestern France. Biarritz boasts some of the best beaches in Europe and is also a popular surf destination. The Eldorado Biarritz was a trim level offering even more luxury…again the landau roof with opera lights and velour or leather-covered pillowy seats with tufted buttons that remind your Pap of a furniture in grandpa’s library. We find the name a mismatch – an easy-breezy European coastal resort town doesn’t blend well with the car of a Texas millionaire in a white suit and bolo tie, does it?

Are the fans up to their eyeballs in confusion yet with all this tawk of old American cars? Well your Pap has just the thing to bring you back, right back to that ever so familiar 200ft. long driveway leading up to your Mapleton Drive estate, where you just might be parking your 2010 Ferrari California (your Pap has discussed in a previous posting). It’s an exotic hardtop convertible for daily-use. It’s great fun and frivolity! But just because it’s California casual all the way, this Ferrari doesn’t come cheap...we’re talking $200k+, but hey no problem – maybe you found Eldorado!

Paris Hilton is WISE!

2008-08-24T23:33:00.000-07:00

Paris Hilton, one of L.A.’s most important, most respected and one of the most influential pillars of our community spoke a couple years ago about hybrids – a statement that was mocked. Those famous words heard throughout The Basin were: “I like hybrids, but a lot of them aren’t that cute.” Now here is a lovely young lady wise beyond her years, but the media hastily spun these insightful words as idiocy. Well your Pap agrees with Miz Hilton; and what a truism her words are!

In L.A., what individual is unable to recognize a truly beautiful car from a hideous one? True, one must train his eyes in order to recognize the difference. If you see enough that is beautiful, you start to recognize the ugly. And in L.A., a veritable concourse of beautiful cars, there’s plenty of opportunity to train the eye. You need only drive on the Sunset Strip; San Vicente Bl. to Ocean Ave.; or LaCienega from Wilshire to Sunset to see a continuous parade of beautiful and expensive cars. So what is there to attack in Miz Hilton’s statement? If anything, this is a plea to produce better looking environmentally friendly vehicles that will appeal to more people. We are sick of those Priuses stigmatizing our eyes, with its infiltration into every damn L.A. neighborhood!

So Paris, here’s something your Pap thinks you might like. It’s the electric-powered Tesla Roadster. A pretty convincing sports car that goes 0-60 in 3.9 seconds…that’s hot! The Tesla has been out for a couple years now and still, we’re not seeing them lined up in front of Sunset Plaza cafes like we see Ferraris and Lamborghinis. And while admittedly we may not rush out to trade in our Ferraris and Lamborghinis, the Tesla isn’t as much a concession as other environmentally friendly cars...and it looks pretty darn good. At around $100k and production numbers of just 1,500 planned for 2009, the Tesla is definitely L.A. Car Couture-approved. So here you have it, Paris. It may not be the Bentley Continental GTC or the Mercedes SLR you’ve been used to, but it sure is a lot cuter than that big ‘ol Chevy Yukon Hybrid we know you’ve purchased.

Some Weekend Celebrity Car-Stalking

2008-08-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

Amy Winehouse’s BMW 7-series is as big a train wreck as the beehive-wearing singer and her drug troubles. Maybe she chose this car while seriously trippin’. Oh well, she could have done worse – she could have been getting out of a Porsche Cayenne or a BMW X6. Or maybe Miz Winehouse is just slumming it while in and out of rehab.

Is Vince Vaughn slumming it? Because pleeze, we know you’ve stashed plenty of money away from the wildly successful Wedding Crashers a few years back, followed by another $200+million grossing movie, The Break Up. So why the 90s Pontiac Firebird? And why are you getting your own gas!

Simon Cowell isn’t slumming it…he’s car couture all the way!...the $400k+ Rolls Phantom; the $1million+ Bugatti Veyron. Lawhd! Leave some for the rest of us…jeez!

A much more modest Kevin Costner is pictured here with his two Audis - an S8 and a Q7. Looks like Mr. Costner likes him some speed and 4-wheel drive…hence the “S” model with Quattro, of course. As for the Q7, this is one of those SUVs that never needed to be built. Based off the Porsche Cayenne and Volkswagen Toureg and priced right in the middle, this middle child is often overlooked and totally forgettable. You might as well drive a Volvo. The boy in the Q7 pic is his son.

Here’s Dannon yogurt-living Jamie Lee Curtis and her Honda Clarity Hybrid (not widely available). They love to taunt your Pap by deliberately making these hybrids as hideous as possible. Bad styling on hybrids just won’t die and neither will Michael Meyers, it seems.

Here’s Ellen Degeneres, but where’s her preferred ride – a Porsche 911? Instead, she’s making a run to Real Food Daily in her Toyota FJ Cruiser. We love the outfit…matches well with the car. You look like you’re going fishing, Miz Degeneres…right on LaCienaga Bl. Oh those silly lez-beens with their cars and their wardrobes.

More Prius Irreverence

2008-08-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

These mock ads were done by a clever graphic designer who obviously shares the some warm and fuzzy feeling for the Prius as your Pap. In a previous post, we discussed how inappropriate the Prius is for L.A., and your Pap still stands by that assertion! (click to enlarge pics...but your knew that.)

Mercedes Hair Dryer

2008-08-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

The 2009 Mercedes SL features AIRSCARF:

AIRSCARF allows you to keep the roof down in cooler temperatures. A soothing stream of heated air to your neck, head, and shoulders helps take the bite out of chilly top-down conditions. With individual 3-stage temperature controls and airflow that automatically adjusts to your driving speed, you'll never want to put your roof up.

This feature has been on the $50,000 SLK for several years now. A nice feature, but aesthetically, your Pap thinks it’s poorly executed in the $100,000+ SL.

Why? Because those headrests now look hideaous – like salon hair dryers, and way too bulky. Then there’s the issue of the headrest being set too far forward, thereby pushing your head forward as well. Not only do you end up with the posture of an upright turtle, but it’s uncomfortable even in a short ride. Worst of all, you will find no dealer that stocks the new SLs without AIRSCARF!

Oh well, we were bound to find something terribly wrong with the new SL sooner or later.

The BMW Hydrogen 7: a Lab Rat Your Pap Kinda Likes!

2008-08-19T19:26:00.000-07:00

The Fans will recall your Pap’s dislike of the 7-Series as discussed in a prior posting. The main reason we don’t like the 7-Series is because it looks like a hideous alien ship and can never come close to being what a Mercedes S-Class is (the primary competitor of the 7-Series). But when BMW introduced the Hydrogen 7 a couple years ago, your Pap eased up a bit on the criticism, giving this hideous thing a chance. After all, it seems appropriate for a car that looks like a crazy science experiment to be a science experiment.

The Hydrogen 7 isn’t publicly available, but rather has been a test mule driven by celebrities for a couple years now. Of course, BMW chose high-profile individuals to drive the Hydrogen 7, making sure the car shows up at red carpet events, movie premieres and the like. Below, your Pap has found some pics of several participating celebrities. About a dozen Hydrogen 7s are in L.A., and eight more in New York.

So why is the 7-Series acceptable as a Hydrogen vehicle? – because the gasoline 7-Series (2002-2008) is a true failure and will go down in automotive history as one of the ugliest, gimmicky and controversial BMWs. So while this generation 7-Series never cut it as an executive luxury sedan, why not turn it into a lab rat. They did, and now you have the Hydrogen 7…a cool science experiment!...maybe Jack Nicholson was onto something when he conducted such an experiement by in the 70s.

It’s not that your Pap has a vendentta against the environment, it’s just that environmentally friendly cars currently available are all dogs! – as a car-lover, you give up way too much when you drive a Prius, for instance. And it’s not that we don’t want to do good things for the Earth, it’s just we’d rather write our donation checks to Greenpeace, Heal the Bay, The Nature Conservancy and the like in the comfort of our Bentley Continental GTC; our Lamborghini Gallardo; or our Aston Martin Vantage. Driving a hybrid is not the only way to help the environment, thank you.

But back to the Hydrogen 7. Well, at least it’s a properly equipped BMW; it’s comfortably sized; it has luxury amenities; and it’s a much more substantial car than the tinny Prius and other cheap “green” cars. If they gave one to your Pap, we’d gladly take one – great car for tooling around Venice, making Whole Foods runs and picking up take out from Real Food Daily…if you’re into that kinda stuff!

The New Manual (Automatic) Transmission – Convenience or CASTRATION?

2008-08-18T22:09:00.000-07:00

In a city where standing water breeds not mosquitoes, but babes famous-for-being-famous, things aren’t always what you’d expect. For instance, you would expect a Porsche 911 cruising the Sunset Strip to be a “stick.” You’d also expect manual transmissions on the Lamborghini Gallardo, Aston Martin Vantage or Ferrari F430. Not so! – most of these cars are not manual transmission anymore, but rather a very sophisticated automatic disguising itself as a manual transmission. That means even the biggest posers won’t find themselves shamefully grinding the gears as they pull away from Sky Bar. And that’s good news for those scenesters, but for the clutch-driving purists, these paddle-shifting transmissions are complete automotive castration.

Sure, these clever paddle-shifting transmissions boast fast shift times, which means the quickest 0-60 time possible for the car, and even more impressive when used in conjunction with Launch Control (your Pap has previously discussed this). But there’s much more to the enjoyment of a car than attaining the fastest shift time. Perhaps your Pap’s biggest beef about these paddle-shifting transmissions is (on some cars) removal of the shifter entirely, resulting in the aforementioned castration…all in the name of convenience – convenience in L.A. gridlock; convenience when driving and talking on the cell phone or while eating and drinking. In its wake is a crater, a cavity that no doubt former waitresses who’ve married wealthy men are now using to hold make-up brushes.

What an absolute travesty! Your Pap wants to know: what the hell are the Fans doing in these performance cars during the weekday commute. We hope that if you own an Aston Martin or Porsche, you have the resources to keep a proper commuter car and the requisite driver for this tedious commute that you can’t handle!

Below are photos that may shock you and may revile you, but the Fans must see the situation that has arisen. It is very real, and it is very upsetting. You have been warned!

First – you see a beautiful Aston Martin hand-hewn interior of luxurious leather and fine stitching. Before long, you notice the shifter is missing. In it’s place a bento box-type compartment to hold knick knacks and such; perhaps nicorette gum or the forgotten Motorola Razr phone.

In the next photo…a Ferrari F430. You see another example of aesthetic-terrorism. The manual transmission shifter long associated with a sports car has been removed. In its place, another cavity and a couple of buttons. Of particular note, a button that brazenly announces “Auto.” We are now starting to see a pattern, a signature unique to the perpetrator of these beautiful, pedigreed automobiles.

In the third picture…a Maserati Quattroporte (a family sedan). We would expect such a vehicle to have automatic transmission. But no, Maserati thinks this car is more than it really is. Instead, the traditional automatic shifter has been removed, and a paddle-shifting pseudo-manual transmission has taken its place. To add insult to injury, Maserati has installed a coat-hook type device in its place. Are we to grab hold of this during fast turns? What is the proper etiquette?…does the driver get to hold on to this nub or does the passenger grab hold during said fast turns? Or has your Pap been totally wrong…the handle actually marks a resting spot for your hat!

Your Pap apologizes if these pics have caused the Fans distress, but you must know the state of our automotive nation!

A final word: pleeze avoid these castrating paddle-shifting transmissions where at all possible. Because men, if you get a sports car with the paddle-shifters and then suddenly develop a need to own a Ford F-250 King Ranch or a Hummer H1, don’t come to your Pap for help!

Celebrity Car-Stalking

2008-08-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

Here are some more celebrity car-stalking pics for the Fans. Hopefully this will be enough celebrity smut to get you through the weekend.

Posh and Becks have a fleet of impressive new cars. But when wanna tool around in a cheap/easy little cabriolet, they each have their own 911s. Both fully customized. In usual footballer fashion, we would expect embroidered monogramming on all headrests.

Patrick Dempsey also has a Carrera – the racy 911 GT3-R. The doctor likes a fast car!

Hayden Panettiere has a very different kind of Porsche. It’s the deplorable and brand-shaming Cayenne. Few SUVs are as unattractive and pointless as this dreaded Porsche. What was Ms. Panettiere thinking…perhaps papa-Panettiere should have slapped Hayden across the face instead of her mother. Has she redeemed herself? We see her getting out of a yellow Lamborghini Gallardo in the next pic.

Another lady, another Lamborghini…here’s Danica Patrick gassing up her Gallardo in a beautiful silver-tone color. Your Pap likes!

Sharing the same great chassis and components with the Gallardo is the R8 – and here’s Hugh Grant getting out of his. We believe tranny-hooker-loving Mr. Grant traded in his Bentley Continental GT last year and picked this car up. The seats in the Bentley were crushing his his balls and hurting his back…Yes, for real!

A more comfortable if less attractive Bentley is the Continental GT Flying Spur, with Ryan Seacrest as the owner. Look at those huge black rims – hmmm…not sure about that!

We prefer you leaving the Continental GT Flying Spur as is. After all, it’s just a family car…suitable for a baby and motoring at speeds up to 200 mph. For new-parents Nicole Richie and Joel Madden the Flying Spur seems great for a quick trip to Whole Foods.

Audi does Christmas

2008-08-14T02:03:00.000-07:00

Audi’s new ad campaign tag line is “Truth in Engineering?” So let’s get the truth on Audi’s new headlight styling on several of their models – the R8, A6 and A4.

It looks like Audi designers went right over to The Home Depot in Ingolstadt, Bavaria and picked themselves up some LED rope lights and retro-fitted them onto the faces of their A4, A6 and R8.

Your Pap likes LED lights when done right, but on these Audis, they’re downright cheezy! Unfortunately the flagship R8 wasn’t spared either. Now there’s a time and place for rope lights - like as Christmas lawn decoration in a Palmdale tract development, but pleeze, not on a German performance car. We know you wanna out-do BMW’s “halo ring” headlights, but for your Pap, those rope lights seem to mimic the same sporty character as Pontiacs from the 1980s. We hope Audi pulls the plug on those ridiculous lights soon.

Great Cars for Every Age

2008-08-12T10:54:00.000-07:00

Your Pap has received a few emails from readers regarding the exceedingly expensive cars discussed on this blog, with accusations like, “You dismiss lower-priced cars like none of them are any good.” Another email reads: “Give me a break…how can I possibly drive a $150,000 Aston Martin…I’m only 23…it wouldn’t even be believable.”

Apparently, $150k+ cars are not within the reach of some of the Fans out there. Okay. Your Pap is not blind to the reality that everyone has to start somewhere. Agreed! – but there IS a fabulous car for every age bracket that is L.A. Car Couture-approved. Whether it’s your first car at 18 or your last car before the DMV snatches away your Lexus-driving privileges when you turn 80, here are your Pap’s suggestions for Great Cars for Every Age:

Late Teens/First Car: Nothing too exciting for our new drivers. Your Pap’s suggestions emphasize the safety of four-wheel drive and crash protection. The more responsible females might take a look at the roadsters mentioned below. These four cars are easily replaceable should a late night-sorority jaunt result in skinny-dipping and a car drowning in the Pacific Ocean. One quick phone call to your trust-administrator and a replacement will be parked in front of the college dorm-room before you can admit to gurls gone wild.

Mercedes E550 4-Matic; Mercedes SLK ; Audi TT Quattro Roadster; BMW 535xi Wagon

20s: Your Pap knows you’re faking it ‘til you make it. So here is a good variety of cars that exemplify good execution, price sensitivity and some some semblance of substance. These are good kid-toys and should grab the attention of South Bay beach bunnies or volleyball studs. Readily available finds on eBay.

Porsche Cayman; Mercedes ML550; BMW M3; Porsche Boxster

30s: You’re just starting to make some coin and with any luck, your first house is also in all the right zip codes. No one will know you just refinanced your pied-a-terre to get one of these rides. But at least in one of these cars, your neighbors aren't as likely to assume you’re renting. With any luck, you still have that baby-face, so no one can mistaken any of these car choices as a mid-life crisis.

Audi R8; Aston Martin Vantage; Range Rover Sport; Porsche Carrera Cabriolet

40s: With any luck, that trust-fund has fully vested and is irrevocable, because you’re no kid anymore and the women want the men for only one reason! It’s amazing how a girthier waist, less hair and a botoxed forehead helps you appreciate luxury-motoring all the more! Your Pap’s following suggestions are all about giving up a little bit of out-right performance in exchange for some dee-luxe-ury.

Bentley Continental GT/GTC; Maserati Quattroporte; Ferrari California; Mercedes SL

50s: If 40 is the new 30, then 50 is the new mid-life crisis. So throw aside that AARP card and get yourself an AMG Mercedes or something that resembles performance and money. Lahwd, it’s been a long ride – the dee-vorce, the children, the sex scandal…you deserve some frivolous excess.

Mercedes S-Class; Ferrari F430; Maserati Gran Turismo; Mercedes CL

Beyond: Maybe you shouldn’t be driving although legally you’re allowed. Your Pap’s suggestions here are based on ease of ingress and egress. Also, these cars boast a good amount of assisted-living features like automated everything with plenty of bright warning indicators, chimes and what-not. In any of these cars, it wouldn’t be inappropriate to have a knob on the steering wheel or a lazy-susan seat cushion to “turn” yourself sideways to get out. Go head, indulge…you can’t take it with you!

Bentley Brooklands; BMW 7-series; Cadillac DTS; Lexus LS

Best Resale Values

2008-08-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

For some, a car that makes a “Best Resale Value” list might be reason enough to sign on the dotted line. But over at the L.A. Car Couture, any car that makes such a list is likely one that your Pap would rather you not own, drive or be seen riding in. Case in point, take the 11 cars that ForbesAuto recently named as their “Top Ten Vehicles with Highest Resale Value.” Of the 11 vehicles (there was a tie) your Pap can safely say, just one is borderline acceptable, the Audi S5.

The residual values on Forbes’ list are based on three year old cars. First of all, your Pap would loathe to see the Fans keep a car for three whole years. To keep it fresh, 1-2 years is best. While your Pap can’t tell you what car to drive, the Forbes List is as good as your Pap’s own list of what NOT to drive. So here are Forbes’ top resale cars, a.k.a. Cars Your Pap Suggests You Avoid:

Percentage of Original Value after 3 years
1. 62.7% Mini Cooper
2. 60.6% Infinti G37
3. 59.6% BMW 1 series
4. 59.0% Jeep Wrangler 4x4
5. 58.8% VW R32
6. 57.9% Honda CR-V
7. 57.8% Scion XB
8. 56.8% Honda Civic Hybrid
9. 56.4% Nissan Rogue
10. 56.4% VW Beetle Convertible (Tie)
10. 56.4% Audi S5 (Tie)

Why avoid? Because these are cars of the populus, on roads and parking lots everywhere in multiples. They lack imagination and are certain to attract the attention of no one but the Bel Air Patrol on your winding drive home up Nimes Road. Rather than any of the above 11 comatose vehicles, your Pap suggests the following swap-outs:

Instead of a…

Mini Cooper, try a Lotus Exige S.
Infiniti G37, why not the Maserati Gran Turismo S.
BMW 1-series, how about the Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano
Jeep Wrangler, take the Mercedes G55.
Volkswagon R32, you’re better off in an Aston Martin Vantage.
Honda CR-V, wouldn’t a Range Rover Sport be more appropriate.
Scion XB, consider a Cadillac Escalade ESV.
Honda Civic Hybrid, the Rolls Royce Phantom is perfect for you!
Nissan Rogue, how about rolling in a Mercedes S63.
Volkswagon Beetle Convertible, the Ferrari California is just as fun!
Instead of an Audi S5, consider a Bentley Continental GT.

A Man. A Plane. An Overpriced Oil Change

2008-08-09T01:31:00.000-07:00

Well, the automotive gossip journalists are all atwitter over a recent Lamborghini oil change involving a man, a plane, a foreign country and a cost of nearly $50,000 for a service that should have been less than $7,000.

A week or so ago, an Arab Sheik flew his Lamborghini Murcielago (the Fans may recognize this car as the Batmobile au natural) from Qatar to London for an oil change. Now all the earth-children are peeved about this because of the environmental footprint of a 6,500 mile flight. London mechanics could have been flown out to Qatar to service the vehicle instead, they say.

Yeah, right! Your Pap says not a chance. What mechanic would consent to being shipped over to the dusty region of Qatar in the Middle East to service a sheik’s car. It’s got potential beheading written all over it. “Me don’t like how you service car you filthy Brit. Now we have your head and rape your wife.”

So with all heads intact and no chance of a movie-of-the-week to come out of this, your Pap would say it was disaster averted. The tree-hugging children love to cry foul over anything they themselves don’t do. Your Pap knows a few of these ladies with their crocodile bags and year-round heated swimming pools (but they drive a Prius). Fans…we’ve heard enough from these women in their McMansions who don’t experience orgasms. So pleeze, leave the sheik be!

Fractional Ownership, Whole Image

2008-08-08T03:13:00.001-07:00

In a city where your car practically arrives before you, and where your car is often remembered long after you are forgotten, you had better plan your arrival accordingly. It’s really no different than wearing the appropriate red-carpet fashion or being camera ready for lurking paparazzi on Robertson. You must accessorize with the right car.

Now your Pap understands that not all the Fans have wallets as fat as The Donald's. We also know everyone needs a second car; and every couple needs a third. So how are the Fans going to make room for a second, third or fourth car that is both exotic yet affordable for those several important appearances a year?

Impossible you say; “time-share car” your Pap says! …otherwise known as fractional ownership. It’s like a time-share home or country club for cars. Why buy the entire car when 1) you can’t afford it, and 2) you're going to drive it only once every several weeks. Then there’s the insurance, maintenance and storage costs. With fractional ownership, it’s like a country club in that there’s a buy-in amount plus monthly dues; and it’s like a time-share home in that you get a block of weeks to use the car (insurance included and no maintenance).

Take the Bentley Continental GT for example: With the buy-in amount plus monthly dues, it will cost you in the $20k – 30k range per year, and you get to drive it for 60 days total. To drive it for only 30 days a year, it’ll cost you about $6k less for the year. That’s for the Bentley Continental GT, a relatively inexpensive car for an exotic. For a Rolls Royce Phantom or Ferrari convertible, you’re looking at about $35k – $40k per year.

That’s not a high price to pay for some image enhancement. After all, you don’t want to attend a charity event only to look like you’re going to be the beneficiary of the charity for god’s sake! And you certainly don’t need to be showing up at your Malibu summer share with the only black sedan in the group…only a convertible Bentley or Ferrari will do! So Fans, go quickly and click on the links your Pap has supplied you. The summer is wasting away and you’re still stuck in the damn S-Class…for the entire weekend!

LINKS:

Range Rover, Errand-Runner

2008-08-07T17:23:00.000-07:00

There are errands that call for the house assistant to run in the Prius and then there are errands we simply prefer to do ourselves. So for weekday gossip lunches and shopping for the perfect fall footwear at Christian Louboutin, your Pap’s adventures in car-stalking has come upon the perennially desirable Range Rover – the preferred errand-runner for a few Hollywood gurls.

Celebrity Range Rover Roll Call: Ms. Cox, Ms. Berry, Ms. Heigl, Ms. Anderson, Ms. Aniston, Ms. Walsh, Ms. Kardashian, Ms. Hilton…all here!
So what’s the appeal of this lumbering gas guzzler? It’s a nice looking vehicle for what it is, and in L.A., looking good is half the battle isn’t it? Then there’s the utility factor…it does hold a full day of shoe-shopping for the ladies. And for your Pap, it would be a great vehicle to take out to Los Olivos to check on the vineyards and for shuttling cases of reserve wine back to the Hills of Hollywood.

In its own way, the Range Rover exudes sex appeal and tank-like intimidation. Inside, utility mixes favorably with British coachwork – there’s the requisite wood and aromatic leather, along with tactile buttons and utilitarian switches. Think of it as a luxurious industrial-style loft with exposed bolts and ductwork. Thankfully, the Range Rover does have awesome off-road capabilities so it’s not all look. The Range Rover is both gentleman and rogue, and mostly hated by environmentalists. But in L.A., environmental consciousness is outnumbered by “need” for such a vehicle. And are we really driving the Range Rover that much?…Fans, you should not have this if it’s your only vehicle. To do it right, it should be your third.

Although not your Pap’s first, second or third choice for a vehicle, the staying power of the Range Rover is certainly something to marvel, having reinvented itself a few years back by adding a second, more affordable, slightly smaller and sportier-looking spin-off called the Range Rover Sport. There’s now two Range Rover models – staring at $60k for the Range Rover Sport and $80k for the Range Rover.

As a default errand-vehicle of the rich and a coveted object of the L.A. masses, the big little Range Rover has bulldozed it’s way into gated circular drives of Beverly Park mansions and tiny apartment carports alike. Is that a good thing? What do the Fans think?

Launch Control - the little button with the BIG Mojo

2008-08-05T23:03:00.000-07:00

Electronic driving aids have found their way from $200k cars down to $20k cars. In fact, nearly every car has some form of electronic driving aid, and there are a bunch of acronyms like VSC, DSC, ABS, ABC, PSM, ESP, ETC, ASC, and on and on. These electronic drivings aids do things like prevent our cars from skidding into next week during a panic stop, or from fishtailing into the median when turning too fast. Most electronic driving aids are designed to prevent accidents rather than outright enhance performance. Launch Control however, is all indulgence, enabling you to accelerate ridiculously fast off a light.

So who’s getting Launch Control? L.A. dahlings in Range Rovers; real-estate agents in Mercedes E-Classes; and accountants in Lexus SC-460s…you’re NOT getting Launch Control. It’s the balding venture capitalist in his Mercedes SL63; the night-club promoter in his Lamborghini Gallardo LP560-4; the house flipper in his M3; or the wildly successfully car-wash owner in his Nissan GTR that’s gonna have the pleasure of this hot little button. There are other cars out there, but these few should give the Fans an idea of what type of cars will be getting Launch Control…generally cars with racing aspirations. No not the Pontiac Solstice, damn it!

So what's Launch Control? To your Pap, it's a very exciting, “tangible” electronic driving aid that enhances performance and delivers excitement at every light! Trickling down from Formula 1 racing, as many of these aids do, Launch Control enables a very powerful car to accelerate with blistering speed and immediacy that would be very hard to accomplish without Launch Control.

Pasadena moms won’t have a problem when they stomp on the accelerator in the family Camry – it’ll go without any theatrics like wheel spin, smoke and burning rubber. But for seriously powerful cars, stomping on the gas pedal will send the tires into a crazy spin. Or, the traction control will intervene and the race is over…the next thing you know, the nun in the Toyota Avalon is a whole block ahead.

With Launch Control, the light turns green and you’re a bullet out of a gun barrel. Launch Control seamlessly modulates the transmission, power and wheel spin – no drama, just instantaneous propulsion! It certainly is some consolation for having to stop at a damn red light…you’ll be ahead of the pack within seconds, and you won’t burn out your tires.

Now the lady-Fans out there will probably have no interest in this type of over-the-top performance enhancement, but gurls, you need to know about this nonetheless. Because if Vinny from The Valley takes you out in his base Carrera with the big wheels and the dark tint, you check for that Launch Control button before you get too serious…or maybe you prefer to lead your life in The Valley!

FOLLOW UP: Launch Control goes by different names in different cars. Mercedes (Race Start); Porsche (Launch Assistant); Nissan GTR (Launch Control); Lamborghini (Thrust Mode…now light yourself a cigarette!)

The Celebrity-Loved Bentley Continental GT/GTC

2008-08-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

In a city of individuals that can’t stopping looking at themselves, we sure are interested in looking at what others are driving. After a weekend of lite car-stalking, Your Pap has dug up some pics of your starz cars. More posts will follow, but first, the car celebrities seem to favor, or at least often photographed in, is the Bentley Continental GT/GTC.

In either coupe or convertible form, this car is the hottest Bentley, and has been since it’s 2003 introduction. These Continentals are everywhere, fighting their way through a sea of Mercedes SLs just to get to the valet. On Sunset, La Cienega, Doheny and any street in the Platinum Triangle, it’s a veritable Bentley concourse…in every exquisite color from Beluga to Silverlake. And why wouldn’t they be everywhere around town – you price a Bentley under $200k and you’re gonna sell some cars!

At under $200k, these Bentley represent a value to those who can afford them. But the reason perhaps for their attractive price is the accusation (and justifiably) of parts-sharing with Volkswagen. The Continental GTs are built on the same platform/chassis as the recently-gone and long-forgotten Volkswagen Phaeton (an $80k luxury sedan intended to compete in the league of the big S-Class). Inside the Continental GT are some pesky buttons right off a Volkswagen set into acres of fine wood and leather. The parts sharing doesn’t bother your Pap. This has been going on with high-end cars forever…your Pap has seen Mazda door handles in Aston Martins and GM power seat switches in Rolls Royces…seriously! There are just certain basics that are here, there and everywhere. From a $1-million condo to a $10-million house, you’re gonna find the same Viking Range…so what are you gonna do about it?

You’re not gonna not buy the Continental GT because of the unresolved pedigree. After all, it’s a beautiful automobile, with lines of an instant-classic. From rap star to CEO, to famous-for-being-famous, everyone wants or has one of these. So while exclusivity can’t be guaranteed (especially in L.A.) pleasurable, effortless, 12-cylinder motoring is a sure thing. And you’ll look damn good in it, believe your Pap. And if anyone snickers and hisses, tell them…Sharon Stone can’t be wrong. Paris Hilton can’t be wrong. Posh Spice can’t be wrong. After all, doesn’t this whole town follow along with what a dozen or so celebrities are doing anyway?

FOLLOW UP: Apparently Hugh Grant traded in his Continental GT last year because the seats were bad on his back and were crushing his balls (no joke, that's what he claims). Your Pap suggests you see a chiropractor about the back and a tranny hooker about the balls.

Winners & Losers for JULY 2008

2008-08-03T16:05:00.000-07:00

If the Fans are at all interested, your Pap has got July 2008 sales figures for you. These percentages are based on year-to-year increase/decrease. Most manufacturers are suffering, either because their products are stale and/or because the economy is in the dumper right now.

THE WINNERS

Jaguar – up 26.2%.
The new XF sports sedan is being very well-received. Thank god they ditched the S-type and X-type. Those were total losers.

Mini – up 24.4%
Gas prices are fueling the demand for Minis. But is this just a knee-jerk reaction? Your Pap has no interest in this brand. They are total “fad” cars for high-school tartlets. It's humorous to see grown men drive these cars that look too cute for the road; just cute enough to go under a Christmas tree.

Mercedes – up 11.6%
The C-class is leading the way to profits. Although not a particularly exciting car, at least it looks better than the mundane 3-series sedan driven by Houston's managers and cell-phone sales reps. Very competitive lease deals are keeping the sales flowing. Volume whores!

Nissan – up 9.9%
No opinion

Subaru – up 5%
Fresh WRX helping things along.

Volkswagen – up 4.4%
Yeah, yeah…next!

Maserati, Rolls Royce, Bentley, Aston Martin, Ferrari
Your Pap does not have specific July sales figures but we’ve been monitoring these brands throughout the year and they’ve been doing well. The rich are not as affected by market fluctuations.

THE LOSERS

Chrysler – down 29%.
Nail in the coffin?

GM – down 26.7%
They invested to much in those damn SUVs. Camaro can’t come soon enough (like that’ll be enough!).

Lexus – down 24.9%
The reliable appliance no one wants anymore. The IS-f (LOL!) It’s an IS-350 w/a monster motor and loud exhaust. Bad Lexus…you’re not suppose to make any noise!

Toyota – down 17.9%
The car for the masses is subject to the economy of the masses. Even the damn aardvark isn’t picking up enough of the slack.

Acura – down 17.7%
Hideous cars for the Consumer Reports-reading set. Have the Fans seen the new Acura beak?

Ford – down 14.9%
No comment.

Mazda – down 13.3%
Products are getting stale.

Honda – down 8.8%
Who cares.

Audi – down 4.5%
Nothing exciting going on at Audi, except maybe the R8, but those don’t account for any sizable volume.

Infiniti – down 2.9%
They’re really trying. Their cars aren’t half bad in their respective classes. Better luck next month.

BMW – down 1.5%
Only down 1.5%? – it’s a wash, just like many of their cars.

Touring Italy in a Ferrari

2008-08-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

Your Pap has a great summer vacation idea for you travel-jaded L.A. dahlings - take a holiday to some of your favorite Italian cities in a Ferrari (not your own) with a personal travel assistant.

Red Travel offers tours of Italy in a Ferrari of your choice (all current models). You can visit all the great Italian cities like Rome, Florence, Milan, Venice or the hidden gems like Montepulciano, Pienza, Montalcino, Bagno Vignoni, and on and on in a Ferrari. Best of all, you have a personal concierge following along (or leading the way) in a presentable Alfa Romeo Brera 3.2. You stay in 5-star hotels, dine in Michelin restaurants and discover a region in detail with the guidance of your concierge.

The concierge promises to be discreet when necessary and available in an instant. However you’d like to spend your vacation, the tour can be tailored to your fancy – yachting, golfing, hot-air ballooning, transfer by private jet…most anything! Gastronomy, architecture, scenery, fashion, viniculture – you’ll discover it all.

This is exactly the type of holiday your Pap needs. That damn personal concierge had better make good cocktails for those leisurely drives, because for the type of money it’s gonna cost, we’re planning on living la dolce vita!

California Dreaming

2008-08-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

Your Pap thought he would close out the work week with a little day-dreaming and something to look forward to next summer…it’s the 2010 Ferrari California, a $200k hardtop convertible in the price range of an Aston Martin DB9 and Bentley Continental GTC. What do The Fans think?

Scheduled release is Spring 2009. About 4,000 will be produced. Your Pap likes the playful lines and fun shapes inside and out. This is a fun Ferrari with everyday usability – it’s not as hard edged as other Ferraris, which makes it a great (dare we say) daily commuter-car as well. It looks great top up or down. That thick rear end and stacked exhaust isn’t the way your Pap would have penned this car, but it’s not terrible.

Performance will be around 4-seconds from 0 to 60. The engine is Ferrari’s 4.3L V-8 pumping out 460 hp. For most other cars, these numbers are definatley sports-car worthy even if not mind-blowing. For a Ferrari, it’s a bit of a cruiser…and that’s perfectly okay with your Pap. In truth, that's still pretty damn fast!

This car isn’t about ferocity – it’s about leisurely drives up PCH or an afternoon of shopping on Robertson ending with some dessert at Cuvee. The California is easy-breezy, so go ahead, have your double scoop on a cone, get some sand in the car and let’s get over to the Carbon Beach summer rental for a nice mojito at sunset.

The Hoff's Mercedes CLS

2008-08-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

The fans will remember not too long ago on, in early 2006, when The Hoff was embroiled in an uglee dee-vorce from Pamela Bach due to an alleged drinking problem and violent behavior.

Your Pap dug up these photos of the Hoff and his Mercedes CLS. What’s going’ here! Was The Hoff having himself too much Jim Beam when he chose these rims. The disc-style, wheel-cover thing is not cutting it, and is doubly tragic in chrome. The CLS in both pics appear to be the same car – it’s a CLS500 with the AMG package. What’s even more disturbing to your Pap is that The Hoff has got two sets of bad rims for the same car.

Would the fans not agree that with all the Baywatch, Night Rider and European singing-sensation money The Hoff would at least buy himself an AMG Mercedes and bring his violent and drunk self over to DUB for some automotive redesign. And don’t give your Pap any of that …“well he needs to cut back now that he’s paying $25k/month alimony to the ex-wife.”

One last thing – how ever does The Hoff get his 6’ 4” self into a headroom-challenged Mercedes sedan masquerading as a coupe? Your Pap once hit his head hard trying to get into a CLS, being not even 6 foot tall! It's why you’ll have to excuse the nonsense your Pap sometimes spews, owing to a slight brain injury courtesy of a damn sedan/coupe with the type of headroom in a scene from Being John Malcovich.

Fat Broad on Platforms

2008-07-31T03:16:00.000-07:00

Your Pap had to sit his-self down on the leather Chesterfield and hollar for the domestic to pour him a stiff one when he saw the new BMW X6. Once a great fan of BMWs, your Pap has, since the early millenium, become disinterested in the Roundel. Why? Because in the last six years, the company has been turning out one hideous looking alien ship after another (with the exception of the 335i/xi coupe).

The X6 is another case in point. BMW misses the mark with this one the same way many BMWs today miss the mark. The sum of it’s parts, as intriguing as they may be, do not as a whole make this a viable car. Yes, the roofline is intruiging with it’s severe slant; the performance and handling is rumored to be pretty good; and the technological wizardry is definitely in place. But put together, it begs the question, “why?”

Just look at this thing. It’s hunchback profile and oddly elevated stance make it look like a fat broad on platforms. Your Pap has not been won over by the BMW press release bull crap about how the car drives like a BMW, handles like a BMW, and how as a sport-utility vehicle is superior to others on the road. More importantly, the X6 looks bad and screams uselessness. You Santa Monica moms with your postpartum bellies and your good handbags won’t be able to “clean-up” at the Barney’s Warehouse Sale ‘cause guess what, the cargo capacity is about half the X5.
Undoubtedly some BMW badge whore will suck this up and tell everyone she’s driving a Bimmer or a “B-M”, depending on which side of the 710 freeway she lives. If the X6 must be had at all, then this one’s for the suburbs. And do your Pap a favor…please keep it there!

Your Pap’s List of X6 Absurdities:

fat & heavy
seats only 4
low roofline means no beehive hairdos
little more than ½ the cargo capacity of an X5
econo hatchback-on-stilts styling
makes the X3 look good
over-engineered in order to make a fat lady dance
$60-80k
another BMW built in South Carolina
badge whores will drive this, only to be directed to staff parking at the Bel Air Hotel

Pleeze! Keep it in the Garage.

2008-07-31T02:14:00.000-07:00

Boy do we love our cars in L.A.! Apparently some of us love our cars so much we can’t bare to have it relegated to the garage.

The owner of this Sunset Strip home has eliminated the garage entirely, parking his Lamborghini Diablo right next to the damn foyer! – uh, wouldn’t that have formerly been the actual garage?

Now your Pap has seen a good amount of unique renovations and certainly appreciate personal expression, but putting this Raging Bull inside this $6 million bachelor pad somehow isn’t bringin’ it. And the James Bond movie playing on the TV…don’t think so! Then there’s the den next to the car with the neon sofa and the day-core is starting to look like The Sharper frickin’ Image.

On the other hand, how ‘bout the ever so humble BMW 335i coupe? Your Pap has always had a soft spot for the 3-series coupe. It may only be a 3-series, but here, car and architecture meld into one starlicious combination. We Likes!

Anywho, to each his own. Good luck selling a $6 million house with no garage and “inside” parking for one car.

Buy the Car, Get the Girl

2008-07-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

Your Pap just got word of this train wreck and quickly turned all attention to eBay auction #130242316095. The winner of the car gets a date with this 26 yr. old femme fatale.

Guuurl! Can you really handle the type of guy that's gonna drop some coin for this 16 yr. old Honda that needs bodywork? Your Pap fears that soon after your date next week, you’ll be paying him a conjugal visit over at the Casa Grande. Lawdy lawd, then how will you diffuse all that society gossip!

As for the Honda Prelude, your Pap’s nose isn’t turned so high up that he can’t appreciate a good Honda – but this ain’t one of them. What’s with the modifications? LOL on the “shark fin” air diffuser a la BMW Z3. OMG on the lower side bumper area with air intake resembling the Mercedes SL65. and WTF on the $299 custom paint job from Miz Earl Scheib.

Good luck, sugar plum. Make sure you meet him in a bright parking lot.

FOLLOW UP: The auction closed at $2,500.

That's Hot!

2008-07-29T15:45:00.000-07:00

Return of the Old-Guard Bentley

2008-07-29T00:39:00.000-07:00

You’re looking at one of 550 freshly minted rolling estates named the Bentley Brooklands…new for 2009. This would be a more satisfying Bentley for you old school snobs that hiss and shudder at the latest crop of the “German” Bentleys – the Continental GT/GTC and Continental Flying Spur.

Your Pap does not normally like to delve into technical specs but in this instance, the fans out there need to know the most obvious distinction of the new-crop Bentley from the ones back in those patrician days when it was Rolls Royce/Bentley and not as it is today VW/Audi/Bentley.

To start, the Brooklands’ 6.75 twin turbo V8 is pure Bentley – well-pedigreed, with a lineage that cannot be questioned! There’s none of that shameful VW/Audi parts-sharing as with the Continentals. The 6.75 engine is hand-built in Crewe, with the basic powerplant dating back to 1959. It grew to the current 6.75 displacement in 1969. In 1982, the first turbo was added, and the twin turbos arrived in 2002, with further refinements last year. In the Bentley Arnage, this engine produces 500 horsepower and 737 pound-feet of torque. For the Brooklands, additional tweaks to the engine give it 550 horsepower and 774 pound-feet of torque. 774 pound-feet of toque is nothing less than epic! This engine has the most torque of any V8 in the world! Your Pap likes!

Was that too tedious and too much information for the L.A. dahlings? Well, you can thank your Pap later because this little bit of knowledge is bound to save you embarrassment during the next cocktail conversation somewhere up in Trousdale.

To be honest, this Bentley is not your Pap’s favorite cup of tea. But then again, your Pap does not keep homes in the all worlds best cities nor does your Pap travel in social circles with individuals of a ten-figure+ net worth. And for those people, the Brooklands thankfully represents the Bentley brand accurately – genteel, stately and hella EXPENSIVE (it’s $400k)! Everything about this car reeks of affluence – from the fine wood and leather in such abundance as to give the nature conservancy an aneurism, to the individually-signed engine, to the svelte sheet metal and paint you could lose yourself in. This is the kind of car for which you’d be happy give your driver the afternoon off just so you could drive yourself around L.A. It offers complete isolation – what do you know, L.A. has no potholes and Santa Monica has no bums. Truth be told, your Pap does not think the Brooklands is really an L.A. car. In L.A., this car is a Bob Mackie gown in a sea of Forever 21 prom dresses. Your Pap would rather you keep this set of wheels at your One Hype Park residence, thank you.

The PRIUS spit a Most Inappropriate Car for L.A.

2008-07-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Over at the L.A. Car Couture, we’re not gonna let $5/gal. turn us into silly, alarmist tree-huggers. We will not be getting into the automative equilvalent of the fetal position and there will be no driving of Pruises along the windy Boulevard de Sunset from The Strip to the Pacific Ocean.

Your Pap believes the environmental and celebrity-hyped Prius thing is a total B.S. and has got a few things to say about this Prius situation.

First – why would your Pap rather contract a venereal disease than tool around in a Prius? Because you have to give up too much for too little (if you enjoy driving; every trip is an adventure) and for a car enthusiast, the Prius is automotive lobotomy. Start the car, and you hear no engine. Step on the pedal, and you feel no torque. Look at the dash and you see nothing but a completely digitized panel. Turn the wheel and it handles like a scooter. Step back and look at it and you see a damn aardvark! This car does not drive well; does not ride well; and does not look well. This is the perfect car for a eunuch monk and we ain’t having it L.A.!

As for being the environmentally correct thing to do…well, your Pap and everyone in all the right zip codes are not driving hundreds of thousands of miles a year to make that big of an environmental footprint. But if you insist, then fine, get a Prius and it can be the car of your house staff or personal assistants. And if you wanna make a statement; if you wanna pander to the masses, the Prius would be very appropriate parked right up in the porte-cochere of your estate.

Some celebrities obviously realize that owning a Prius is a great way to pander to their fans. It’s why they’ll drive the Prius when they know the paparazzi are gonna be there. But seriously, do think most of Ocean’s Thirteen are tooling around in these things…no! They’re being driven in limos and Escalades and they employ an entourage of security and staff following along in gas-guzzling Tahoes or Denalis. And for you wannabes that think you’re Cameron Diaz in your Prius, well you're not! – you look like an idiot. Now, Cameron Diaz looks hot in a Prius, because she’s Cameron Diaz, and she’s A-list. And she’s A-list in a AMC Pacer; she’s A-list in Chevy Vega; and she’s A-list in a Ford Tempo. But you aren’t!

So don’t buy into this Prius thing – if you do, well then your Pap’s got a Cadillac Cimmaron to sell you!

The Footballer in the Roller

2008-07-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

It looks like the well-inked and ab-licious footballer has pickup up himself one of these ultra-exclusive Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe and had it tricked out by DUB, car customizers to the stars. The Dropead starts at $412,000 (or roughly the price of a small Santa Monica condo). But add in the options, market adjustments and DUB mods and it’s definitely pushing into a blood-curdling $600k+.

Check out those wheels – they look like 20s or 22s but since the car is such a behemoth, they’re actually 24-inches...custom made! The car also has color matched exterior panels and David’s number “23” embroidered on the seatbacks. Go big or don’t go at all in this larger-than-life car. If you can drop $400,000, you can drop $600,000 for a personalized one…mmmkay!...because you better NOT get this in Avis fleet white with just the factory fitting. People will tawk!

Even without customization, the Drophead Coupe in itself is pretty posh. Everything about this car is extravagent and big! How about its nearly 6,000 lb. weight or the turbo 12-cylinder engine! This car is W I D E ! Check out the papparazzi photo – see how far apart Posh and Becks are sitting? The damn car is the size of a Chevy Suburban, making a Mercedes S-Class look mid-sized. (The Fans will have to forgive your Pap for even including the words “Chevy” and “Surburban” in the same write up). Your Pap’s favorite thing on the car is the convertible cover (normally plastic or leather on other more pedestrian vehicles). In this land yacht, it’s made of polished teak! Mmmkay!

Rolls is putting 100 of these for 2008 (exclusivity assured) and already long sold out, without hardly any marketing. Build them and the will come. The ultra-affulent do not like being market to. By late last year, two Phantom Drophead Coupes sold for $2 million at auctions. Are you getting it, this car is big time! And for you L.A. brats that grew up with silver spoons in your mouths, this is a great car to own and LOATHE because you suddently decided to go green!

Rolls Royce has reponded to demand by doubling production, which is still a measly 200 units for 2009. – it’s about answering prayers and still maintaining exclusivity. This is Rolls Royce throwing a steak to a den of dogs. Boy these are hard times for the rich. Your Pap will be praying for them.

That's HOT!

2008-07-23T18:17:00.000-07:00

Everyday Value

2008-07-23T18:04:00.000-07:00

Mercedes SL or Porsche 911 or Aston Martin Vantage?

Let’s get right to the conclusion – the Fans CAN’T go wrong with any of these three cars.

But if your Pap had to rank them…

First
It’s a frick’in ASTON! That name alone is worth the first $2,000 of your monthly lease payment. Then there’s the exhaust note – it’s aural ecstacy. And there’s the lustful, seductive styling…[if you experience premature ejaculation and/or have difficulty with staying power, please keep distance from the car!] As for exclusivity, about 1/10 of these are sold each year in the U.S. compared with the SL or 911.

Second
The SL is in it’s own class. It’s really no competitor to any other car than itself in different iterations – SL550, SL600, SL63 or SL65. It’s a car for a certain set – I’ve got some money; I don’t need a flashy car like a Bentley, Aston or Rolls; I want a car that I can safely tool around in on a daily basis with easy replaceability should I crash it. This car is so comfortable in its own skin. It tries to be nothing more than an SL and is envious of no one. SL drivers enjoy easy living, from senior-citizen options like the self-closing trunk to the massive amounts of power matched to an automatic transmission. SL drivers don’t want to do too much, yet reap all the benefits of motoring well. And the car doesn’t disappoint either!

Third
There are great exotic sports cars out there, and then there’s the 911 – the working man’s “cheapie but goodie.” Precision, purity, perfect. Problem is 2/3 of all 911s sold in L.A. have tiptronic…that’s Porsche vernacular for automatic transmission. I don’t care how good that automatic is, it’s an automatic…on a sports frick’in car! Yes L.A. traffic is bad. I understand there’s a lot of stop and go traffic. But still, don’t get a 911 in automatic…you have the S-Class as the daily commuter. Your 911 is for weekend jaunts to the Montecito home. To me, 2/3 tiptronic sales mean POSERS!

And Why?
If Beverly Hills had a Costco, they’d sell SLs and 911s in a 2-pack.

[2-pack SL550 or 911, your choice – one for you; one for your mistress. $200,000. coupon valid July 17 – August 3, 2008.]

There are just too many SLs and 911s in L.A.’s better neighborhoods. They are the Miatas of the well-heeled. And in L.A., well-heeled a-many there are. Half of all SLs sold worldwide are in Southern California! – that’s quite disturbing if you want exclusivity. But SL drivers aren’t all about exclusivity. They like telling their friends how much they enjoy their SL…”it’s a great car, you should pick one up too.” The 911 is no better in terms of exclusivity despite what Porsche salespeople will tell you. 911s and SLs enjoy the same yearly sales volune. The situation with the 911 is grimmer when you see local dealerships stocking 911s with automatic transmission and wood steering wheel – assisted-living features are par for the course on the SL, but inappropriate in a pure-bred sports car. As for the Aston, if should find one with wood steering wheel (you won’t), what the hell…it’s English.

So what it comes down to is simple – In L.A. where rich is never rich enough and thin is never thin enough, don’t fly commerical with the SL or 911 – go private with the Aston.

That's HOT!

2008-07-22T00:39:00.000-07:00

2010 Camaro is tantalizing, but lookout there's an expiration date.

2008-07-21T23:08:00.000-07:00

The upcoming 2010 Chevy Camaro is pretty damn nice looking. Of the American retro-redos, your Pap thinks this is one of the best. The Ford Mustang and Dodge Challenger come to mind as obvious competitors, but it’s the Camaro’s styling that really hitting the ball out of the park. We love the lower rear bumper - the blacked-out air dam rocks! especially with the vertical ribbing. Dual mufflers are nice too, but quad exhausts would be even hotter and we’ll likely see that on the top of the line, monster-engine model. From the profile, the lines look great – exquisite overall proportions that are balanced. Front and rear overhangs are just right. That rear fender bulge is awesome giving it a muscular stance. The headlights, slightly eclipsed by the hood is very seductive. Even the interior is nicely done. Interior looks great, but frightfully cheap American plastic could be the ruination of everything perfect here. Your Pap will get back to the fans on this.

Pricing will likely start in the low to mid $20k for a base model with V6, topping out in the mid to upper $30k fully loaded...which is the one your Pap recommends. You must get the top of the line monster V8! You CANNOT, guys, get this in a V6 or you might as well check in your balls at the door. Plus you can't be caught dead with less than 19" rims. Robust, muscular proportions…make that 20” rims. The only thing and your Pap would like changed is to see the car lowered a bit to close up some of the wheel-well gap.

Ok, admittedly this isn't exactly a car that speaks of your success. And let's face it - it's not exactly Sunset Plaza, but rather The Americana. But if you already have a couple of $100k+ germans in your garage and you just wanna cheap, fun and easy car to take you on a little nostalgic road-trip back several decades, then get the Camaro as your 3rd or 4th car; drive it for a few months and then give it to your teenager. See the thing is, your Pap likes the Camaro...alot. But let's face it, it's a muscle car for someone who lives in Panorama City. And around here, we don't do that...not north of Sunset...thank you!

2009 BMW 7-series - it's Dooney Bourke "Sport"

2008-07-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

Your Pap has been waiting seven years for this redesign and couldn’t be more disappointed with the results. The styling disaster began in 2002 when our much beloved car maker from Munich brought out the next generation 7-Series and thereby steered the entire company into a dark design alley. After the 2002 745i/Li landed, the world, and your Pap was left wondering if the designers had been puffing too much of the good ol' wacky tabacky.

Throughout its seven year product cycle, the 7-Series was botoxed, lifted and pulled but never managed to look much better than Tori Spelling on her best day. Some were intrigued by the oodles of technology but it was wonder-cum-horror. At the end of the drive, the S-Class still reigned.

Now enter the 2009 7-Series. Your Pap has been desensitized to the uglies BMW has been putting out lately (with the exception of the 3-series coupe), so with all kindness, hideous has softened to bland and boring (think Lexus LS460 sedan). And again, the Bavarians are flashing more technology. One of the latest features is the vibrating of the steering wheel if you try to make a lane change and there’s a car in your way. Well thank Mary, Jesus and Joseph because your Pap doesn’t much like looking at the road while he drives with a highball cocktail in hand. Just kidding, puppies – your Pap drinks mostly wine.

Would the fans like to know some styling problems your Pap sees in the 2009 7-Series? Well he’s going to tell you anyways. Derivative styling – remove the propeller badge and it could be any Japanese sedan over $30k. The BMW trademark twin kidney grill now looks like a flared snout, or maybe a late 90s BMW 528i grill on steroids. To your Pap, the front end with it’s bad proportions and bugged out eyes is the face of bad plastic surgery.

As for the interior, “Everyone please disperse…nothing to see here.” Looks like any of the recent BMW sedan interiors penned on a Viking scale. Your Pap is not fond of the “minimal” styling direction BMW interiors have taken with many controls relegated to a single iDrive knob. But apparently there are enough of you out there who like it for there to be a generation two of this ghastly device. I guess BMW drivers like playing with their little knob.

The biggest thing inside might be the on-board Internet. But you’ll undoubtedly have to pull over for this thing to work and your Pap has no patience to mess with this sort of thing in an automobile when he can be handing the 3G iPhone to the assistant to type in the desired web address. As for rear seat convenience…well actually your Pap would much rather be driven in any executive sedan built in Stuttgart (S-Class) or Crewe (Continental Flying Spur), so never mind.

Yet not all is a loss for BMW. They have an incredible knack for turning ugly into lease special. And there's a chiropractor in Glendale that's chomping at the bit for this one. But your Pap is warning you – don't u dare roll up to Nobu in Malibu with this thing!

Follow up: they could use these as police cars.

L.A. Car Couture

The Nissan GT-R – Athlete or Axe Murderer?

That's HOT!...that hybrith

The Germans Made it Better

Treats for Your House Guest

The Hypocrisy of Hybrids

Location. Location. Location.

Paris Hilton is WISE!

Some Weekend Celebrity Car-Stalking

More Prius Irreverence

Mercedes Hair Dryer

The BMW Hydrogen 7: a Lab Rat Your Pap Kinda Likes!

The New Manual (Automatic) Transmission – Convenience or CASTRATION?

Celebrity Car-Stalking

Audi does Christmas

Great Cars for Every Age

Best Resale Values

A Man. A Plane. An Overpriced Oil Change

Fractional Ownership, Whole Image

Range Rover, Errand-Runner

Launch Control - the little button with the BIG Mojo

The Celebrity-Loved Bentley Continental GT/GTC

Winners & Losers for JULY 2008

Touring Italy in a Ferrari

California Dreaming

The Hoff's Mercedes CLS

Fat Broad on Platforms

Pleeze! Keep it in the Garage.

Buy the Car, Get the Girl

That's Hot!

Return of the Old-Guard Bentley

The PRIUS *spit* a Most Inappropriate Car for L.A.

The Footballer in the Roller

That's HOT!

Everyday Value

That's HOT!

2010 Camaro is tantalizing, but lookout there's an expiration date.

2009 BMW 7-series - it's Dooney Bourke "Sport"

The PRIUS spit a Most Inappropriate Car for L.A.